Regret yo bitch ass Rick

Normally I don't blog after the club but this shit got me heated!

So I'm grown and I can call out muthfuckas! *forgive me 2 bottles of remy fucks with a bitch*
Non the fuck less...How dare this bitch ass nigga play me after all the time and engery i put in with this muthafucka! Like all the shyt i put you up on you got the never to flash this bitch with! Damn nigga we get down like that??!?!?! Well Damn, Gucci!
So Rick all that shyt you was in my ear talking was just rebound? Damn I'm glad I didnt fuck yo ass cuz you a damn trip! I tried to help you and love you and this is how you repay me! Fine go head be where you are but dont come the fuck this way no damn more cuz if you do I'm fucking you up! You take my genuine love and concern to the shoulder an brushed me off when yo bitch felt like fucking with you! Ha! i guess u think I don't know about how you run yo damn mouth! Shyt you play the down and out role to get what you want.

Well fuck that I hope you never want anything more from me than a prayer and a damn phone call. Punk ass bitch!
Oh and I want my damn 20 fucking dollars, Bitch!
I hope you told erry one where the fuck you was at when you damned disappeared! Damn why do I have to still love you and you don't love me back!
God please take this pain away!

Signed: That Bitch Rae!

Enough cloudy skies!

Today its bright and sunny so you know I'm going to enjoy it! Plus it will be my first party weekend as a 21 year old so a nigga will be wasted! Hahahhaha! NO Drama so far today, I woke up to the sounds of my babies(nieces and nephews) playing and then I looked out the window and saw blue skies and it was beautiful! And to Mr.Ray I'm sorry you just couldn't see despite all the issues I still loved you. I guess its to late and I frankly don't even want this anymore. Cuz its clear I'm only interacted with when its convenient for you. Well no longer will be in your shadows cuz if you can't be open and and honest with me we don't need to interact. Communication is key and you clearly are locked out!

Rae
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Just thinking

Sometimes I wonder how things would have played out if I did the opposite of what I have done? Would I love man I love? Would I be at Howard like my grandparents wanted? Would I still be a virgin? Just a few random questions. Man I love him but I don't wanna anymore cuz it hurts cuz I feel like he played me ...
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Holiday blues

Man was I a fucking fool to even think that he and I could ever be we again! Damn was I a fool to think that he would be here for one of the most important moments in my life! I mean really as strong as I am he got to me and I'm tired of this shit! I love you and I feel you have taken advantage of that love! I should have never opened my heart back to you! You walked in and took occupancy til you felt your Ms. Something Better felt she wanted you back. As much as I am trying to be here for you I am fucking hurting and you frolic along with her. Well just know every hurt I'm feeling it only pushes me harder and drives my passion even further. So have fun just don't think you will ever get the old Rachele back she died the same day you loved another. I make my self physically stronger just so I can guard my emotions till they can just reflect pain. There is no more of me to take just know I will find away to make it with out you Roderic Ray!

~Rae~
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I am finally 21!!!

Wow! I never thought I would get to this day say quickly! I realize despite everything I am truly blessed! I know everyone wants to know what I'm doing on this day but I truly don't know! So when I do find out yall will be the first to know!

Mucho Love!
~RaE~
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Happy Fucked Up Birthday!

Leave it to my mom to fuck up a happy time... After 21 years she still hasn't let me down when it comes to fucking shit up!

Thanks Mom for fucking this one up!

So everyone that I held dear has let me down already and its not even my birthday, yet. I have about 2 ours till it is and I more than likely will cry myself to sleep. I mean damn everyone has this big great story to tell about being 21 well I will be here drowning in my tears knowing that the one I love is not loving me and my own family can gve to fucks about me. Luckily I get to buy alcohol to drown my issues.


Well I'm off to bed hoping I can wake up feeling better.

~RaE~

WoW ....

Damn, Its been a min since I wrote on my blog through my computer! Seesh! Well as you all have been reading I am sorta out of my slump... No... he and I aren't back to the now and forever stance. Sadly neither is He and is current. I know he was really digging her.
Shyt I almost wanted to tell him to come home the last time we spoke then I remembered this wasn't his home.

Oh and me an Alonzo are no more at all. Hell I know I wasn't in my right mind when we were talking cuz now I'm having nightmares of his after sex face. *shivers in disgust* I mean he looks like...Ugh just forget it!

Yea, but we are done. I mean I feel bad about his father passing but all that really did was show me how much of a worthless, clingy, low self esteem, baby making, wanna be he really was. In my mind I often wonder was I that hurt or depressed that I tried to get over some one I loved by being with someone I despised.

Its amazing the things you will go through to make yourself believe you are happy. Thank God I got out of that slump and shyt. Now I just need to help my Twin *the male version* get back to his. I know I left him at his worst before and I am truly sorry about it. So I made it my personal effort to get him at least out of the dumps he has been in. Sadly he may never read thins but at least it is documented in history forever.

Thats all for now I'm out!

~RaE~

So he played me

Well today was a cool ass day overall! I went to fairlane to see Precious and walked around the mall for a bit. Then as I'm in the car on the way home Chili's, I realize that he played me. Like dude u basically stayed here till shyt blew over between you and Ole gurl cuz u sure went M.I.A. Like damn if that's how it was you shoulda said so!

Anyhoooo I am feeling real good right now! I'm just to ready to hit my bed and curl up next to myself since my neno and the mystery man left.
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Really though!

So I'm laying here with the man of mystery and he feeling some kinda way about my lil daily rituals. In my mind I'm like dude calm down u here and they aren't so what does that say. But its whatever ya dig.! All in all today was pretty cool and shyt nothing to much major happened. Hell I'm bout to lay here and jam till I fall asleep and hope mystery man stops being a butt expulsion. Lol!

~Rae~
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Well damn Gucci!

This has nothing to do with Gucci man what so ever!

Anywho so a nigga is a lil confused cuz I like my chocolate redemption but the mystery man is making madd hard. Like bruh really! I mean these past few days have been great but I'm damn confused as hell. Like how do I solve this solution where do I go from here . Matter of fact what do those kisses mean? Damn you Chocolate Redemption and Mystery man yall just made my world a lil harder.

Help!!!!

~Rae~
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Damn today is just not the day

Soo today obviously a fucked up day for the males in my circle. I dunno wat to say. One of my ex's father died, another one has broken up with his love and just up and disappeared. Damn what's going on in the world.
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Pt 2

Try sleeping with a broken heart and you soon realize how much you don't sleep.

Anywho... Its funny how a man can claim to love u so much, but replace and forget you sooo quick. I can honestly say that every man I loved or thought I loved still has a piece of me and there is no replacing that. Although it could be the reason I feel less and less as my relationship life progresses. Yea I want so bad for my world to be at a peaceful state but the war wounds on my soul are just too much to ignore. Not to mention the past always comes to haunt me. Maybe I'm paying for some past mistake hell I don't know!
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Try sleeping with a broken heart

So I'm on the way home jamming like no other... Then I pay attention to one part of the song and it spoke so true to wats going on in my mind/emotions. Crazy as it seems today was a good day and my Chocolate Redemption is now out of the dog house. Man if u only knew how happy I am to know thing are not what I thought they were. Anywho almost home so hit yall later!

Rae
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Neno wish u were here...

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Buckle down love thoughts

So I have like for projects due for my classes and I haven't started nan one. I have also been a lil lax on my gym thing but its going to be back on track simply cuz I need it to ease the b.s. In my world... Not to mention I gotta pay for it ! Lol!

So yesterday was a decent ass day outside of the usual I bottle up in my spirit. I saw the color on the leaves and it made me smile just out of the blue. I think that's a good sign. I just need to get out of this painful solitude cuz even in a room full of people I still feel cold and alone. Sadly all that does is make me grab on to a man at random and settle cuz the pretending to have some one with u in your darkness is better than knowing there is no one there.

Damn bring back those happy blog times cuz this shyt here is showing how much I need to reach out for help. I just can't do it cuz I feel like I will lose so much.

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My sunny morning

So today I woke up and picked up the pieces of my life/heart and put on my pretend mask. The reason being is cuz I have to go to class today... Luckily I am hitting the gym to work out this stress building in my soul. Thank God for non- destructive outlets for stress cuz surely I don't wanna go down the path my mother went and definitely not the path my father went down. I know I keep mentioning my father but I will elab on a later date or time. Other than that I'm still in this feeling of solitary bliss. Anywho I'm out cuz a nigga got class!

~Rae~
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The bottom looking up

So as I lay here remembering the happy times of the past. I realize that I would be so much more at peace but at the same time they were some of my most difficult. See back then all I could do was give people my heart and my soul... Then I decided to give the one I let get my heart, my body as well.

From there it has been a down hill battle. Sadly as I sit here almost 4 years later... I realize I'm still not over the pain he caused and then like a fool I allowed others to add more pain on top of that. I sit here every night crying out this pain cuz I feel like I'm at the bottom looking up. I look back at the fact I let go of my true love(that is now loving someone else) and it hurts even more to know that everyday I'm slipping closer and closer to the point that I will need anti-depressants again. I surely don't want that!

My world is still crumbling and it makes it no better that I will be 21 without my father. For some reason this is hitting me harder than I ever expected. Damn its looking like I lose every man in my life or is it they never belonged to me in the first place?

~Sad Rae~
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Still gotta tude!

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Neno is gone and so is a piece of me.

So my dog Neno is gone and I'm heartbroken yet again. I want so badly to be able to cry into his fur about this bad day I'm having but I guess even he had to leave me. Oh and my chocolate redemption almost had me fooled but he was a heartbreaker too. I guess I should just turn completely cold but I can't I miss the feeling of like/love blossoming I just wish it came from both ends. Man the month is the worst month for me with all the ups and downs not to mention I have no one to spill to but my blog, in hopes that there is solace in me getting this out of my mind and heart.

Love is nothing more than a mirage in my desert of life...

~Rae~
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I might have been wrong

So we sitting here chilling and I realize that my ass jumps to conclusions to quick. All in all he still my chocolate redemption . Loving it none the less. Hit yall later!


~Rae~
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Damn really?

So like I said it was to good to be true. My chocolate redemption is nothing but a mere fantasy. I guess he was a reminder of sorts that I can still feel feelings of love or those like it. Although I'm taking an L on him being in my future, I am winning because its just another situation the keeps me even more grounded and commited to the betterment of myself.

So other than that my day went well and I pushed myself extra hard in the gym. Its like the pain and tight feeling is a welcomed one in comparison to the pain I been feeling from my past and from my family. Hmmm what to do?

~Rae~
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True Love.

As I'm laying here listening to Alicia Keys "No One", I notice I am missing the feelings that this song is talking about. I miss the feeling of being taken over by love and happy thoughts. Not to mention the feelings you get when you know the one you're loving feels the exact same way.

Often times we as people settle for someone who isn't truly for us and miss out on the one who is . I wonder if that's why I am missing out on that feeling above mention.

~Rae~
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Too good to be true...

There is a reason why I am not all to into the guy I spoke of as of recent. Simply because I at times feel like the feelings are to good to be true. Damn I dunno wat to say about this...
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