Just watch!

Mmmm Chile... I will get this man pregnant!



Enjoy!

My mind is....

Deeper than the deepest ocean...

This morning I'm up thinking about my life and those in it, as well as the things that have happened in 09. There were many good times and a few bad but overall this was a year of learning experiences and a finding of self. Rick and I had our ups and downs and he is currently at a place where neither him nor I want him to be, nonetheless, I am at a point where I understand that I cannot live for anyone but me and my sanity comes first.

Another moment of reflection is how my friend circle has drastically changed for the better and smaller. Oddly allowing me to enjoy my own company and thoughts. Plus I have the courage to step out the box as far as men go and venture to the man of maturity and stability. For those that know me... It is sooooo good to talk to some one that is of their own.

Now to the most important reflection before my sleepy self drifts off... Lol!

Me!... Duh! There is so much that has changed and still changing within this woman. I am so proud of some of the things I picked up over time and some things well... Not so much, but all in all I am blessed to be me and no one else! From the crazy curls growing from my head to the the bottom of my sneaker and heel wearing feet! If there is anything this year has taught me... It was that my life belongs to me so why not live it like it is! So in the year(s) to come you will see more of this beautifully flawed and divine woman shine and grow, hopefully we all enjoy the ride!

Well that's all for now I guess I will hit yall at a later time cuz a chica is madd tired!


Sooo peace, love, and positive soul vibrations!
*Rae*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Say yes...

Well hello to all my blog readers out there! It is now the end of the worst... A.k.a holidays. Lol!

Like some of you out there my Christmas was just a real chill christmas, nothing major and no big hoopla to be told it was just a usual dinner and family time. I invited my ex over in hopes that he would feel a tad bit better about his situation and also because I do care about him. Sadly he managed to make me feel as crappy as he by the time he left. None the less there was no love lost just a lil re- evaluation in order. Sometimes I wonder why I continue this nerve racking cycle and my only answer is because I have a heart and I hate to see people assed out. Sadly for him my patience is running thin... Not because of his situation but the way he reacts to it and the way he acts towards me. Maybe he will understand, but more than likely not. This will only be another sprinkle of words for him to throw back at me and by then I may not even care any more. Anywho on to bigger and better!

Love yall!

*Rae*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Grrr....

Man I am madd snapping...
Why I dunno I'm just tired and a lil confused internally.
Like my patience is a lil thin with the fact a particular person feels the need to hide me from his people, but I am catching hell cuz I refuse to hide him.
Also the whole thing is a mess... I love him, but at the same time he is moving to fast like dude picking up where we left off is not going to be that damn easy. Hmm If he only knew the source of my irritation is confusion he would not be so...Umm well I dunno. Either way it goes I feel like he will take this all the wrong way.. Hmm God I hope not.

At your best and worst u are love

Well lemme say this year has been one hell of a year! Sadly today of all days was the day I broke down. So I was watching a show I usually stay away from, Intervention. It made me face a painful truth. That so many people die from their addictions and it always hurts the family the most. I dunno about my brother and sister but I am truly still fucked up about my fathers death. I never thought I would be so hurt, but I am still. I wish it was he that was seeking the intervention and making it. Not me sitting here putting on the poker face as if all is well. Man there was so much I needed to know from him!

Then to top it of yesterday was the day my Grandmother died. Now most people are like wow that's Grandma but me... No that was my best friend and worst enemy. She is the main reason I am as great and as fucked up as I am. It hurts to recall such good memories and have to acknowledge the bad ones as well. I am just feeling the pain right now cuz she and I were on bad terms when she died and I truly hate that. I loved her to death but she had so many issues to deal with that we clashed. I miss her soooo much though. If only I could have told her I'm sorry and I love her for one last time....

Hell this is why I hate the holidays they make me face some of the worst shit in life... Well I'm off to bed yet again. No worries I'm still in my state of Divinity just remembering how I got here is just painful sometimes.
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Wreckless and Confused

I can only wonder wat this act has led us to being. No matter what happens we are drawn to each other. My mind enjoys his company but my heart is torn between what was and what is. Where does this leave us?

His people no longer care for me and mine no longer care for him but we oddly have a love stronger than diamonds. He is my twin no matter how I deny him but really am I ready to step up and be the foundation in his unstable world? Can I be the shero I once was to him? I just wonder. All in all we are back at this game of love and life... Hopefully we win this time.

*Rae*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Changes

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Look at me now, Daddy!

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Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy birthday Daddy! Your daughter is grown and still growing. She is beautiful and healthy, she made some mistakes and bad choices but nothing love and time can't heal. I wanna say that I am living up to my fullest potential, but I'm not as of now. Indeed that will soon change.

Daddy there is soo much to tell... Like how me and that boy are no longer together nor talking. Lol! It was a good run, but even you could have seen he wasn't the one for me.

Oh... And I'm following my heart and attempting music again. So that makes two of us Niki and I. Lol! Sometimes I think about you when I see people on the street and then I get an empty feeling in my heart... I want soo badly for you to be here so Granny can stop being sad every holiday and so Aunty can have one less thing to be stressed about...

I know it seems selfish but why did you have to leave me so soon. There was so much I needed to know from you and now I will never know... Its ok I will continue to push on the best I can hoping and praying that it is the right way to go...

Love Always your baby girl
*Rae*

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Ok... People new moves

Wassup to all my good followers...
I have decided to change the direction of my blogs, which means new place.
I dunno if I'm going to delete this, make it a vent blog or just let it be abandoned...
So here is the link to the new and enjoy.

http://www.soulamazingrae.blogspot.com/

~Rae~

Well I guess she thought she told me, Huh? *Smirk*

First off Imma roll one tonight for your sorrows... Lmao!

So I come back to the crib to find words dedicated to my likeness... How wonderful!
Nonetheless... It does nothing for me, its gives me no life at all.
So Imma just go in...

First off, for you to go in about me being fake, I told before and again being the bitch is my full time job. So for you to think I would actually be real about all that hang shyt... Gurl bye we don't even like the same shyt except for nigga's and he wasn't even my usual so not even a nigga.

Second... If you thought I was serious about a job...Nigga please its fairlane; I don't do the whole servant shit.

Third the number was for you to be smart enough to match that shyt up... Cuz he was getting at ya girl when you though he didn't.

Next state of the mind address... If you think Imma come at you for Rick... You's a fool! My beef is not with you, but if you just so happen to jump in go 'head.
Have fun!
Cuz I won't be there!
Also if you think that I truly am envious of you, your bat shit crazy!

Maybe you are just as bad a bitch as heard you were and maybe you can pull a Chris Brown and transform his ass. Since gloves are off he ain't shit with out those that make him the shit so baby shine all your self all through him.

Lemme remind you that I'm a performing arts major...
Which means Bitch I act...Out! Lmao!
So Imma wrap this up since you work hard for your shyt and well I just live...

Just remember that Imma be and do me always just know if he come round here again for anything... He will get sent back, no take backs on that one...

HA!

I don't want ya boyfriend... I just want him not.
Ummm... breathing!
Lmao!
Just kidding!

*Rae still at it... but I will soon retire*

All smiles

Yesterday/Last night was amazing! I went out with my Cool Crew ( Dawny and Keeny). We hit up Cliffs Bells , a lil poetry spot downtown and had a ball! Hell I even got to spit one of my poems! Not to mention a chick was sipping nicely! Man the love I felt on that stage and the feelings I felt from that music brought me back to the place of peace I hadn't been in a loooooooonnnnnnngggggg time. I mean as I'm sitting there chilling my mind starts to think like would I even have been able to do this a year ago... Let alone would I even have the mind set I have now, a year ago. Hmmm hell no! There are so many things that were heavy on my mind and heart at that time, as well as the fact I clung on to the wrong people for the wrong things. Hell I wanted so badly to stay mad at Rick but after the truths I spilled to her and the thinking I did soon after... I came to realize knowing him was a learning experience. Do I feel he used me? Yes, not like Paris tried to but... Yes. See in my mind this shyt is a cycle... He and I had our time and now its time for us to go on. I feel as though I walked away from sooo many things this past year that made me soo much stronger. I'm glad I'm without him cuz now I know how to love just a lil bit smarter. To the woman after me I hope you get hip to the game cuz its same script different cast. Loving someone has a price that many aren't willing to pay. Some men and women prey on the fact that people some times need people. So all in all a few drinks and a change in atmosphere can uncloud judgment and truly give new insight to ones life.

*Peace, Love & Wisdom shall prevail. I am a work in progress and some are a work in thought...*

*Rae*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Shoot where was he when I needed it...

Hmmm Chile...




Let's get over it!

*Rae*

It keeps me going day to day!

Enjoy!




A bit of positive energy from Rae!

Never in a million years

Listen here bruh ain't no words cuz you wanna try and play games and shyt. If you were really trying to be friends you wouldn't have displayed the actions you did and if those actions weren't SINCERE then you were playing around, either way you fucked up not me. I was keeping it friendly you threw the wrench in the game not I . I had words and as u say actions mean more. And simply your actions meant more than one thing. All in all leave me out of this game I finally got over u and I plan to keep it that way!

*Rae*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

See this is why being single is my life...

I want so badly to find you and spit in your fucking face for the bullshyt you bring me. I should have never had any damn sympathy for you cuz all you do is play a game and damn it you are damned good at.
I could have told her so much more, but part of me held back. I should have told her how you offered so much info on her personal life and I probably would have found out you did the same when it came to me. I'm past the point of being hurt when it comes to you, I'm to the point where you and I are truly beefed out.
Like Dude I have nothing but pure and simple disdain and pity for you because you took the fact I actually cared about you and used it against me. Shyt... fuck what everybody else has to say and feel about me according to you.
Shyt lowkey I don't even think you deserve to be in any relationship. You are such a fucking sneaky son of a bitch. I'm sure after this is posted you won't be man enough to even say anything to me directly, let alone tell me the truth. I was proud of you at some point till I saw things really were that week.

The reason I was skeptical about you and I ever being cuz I saw that nothing was different for you except the person you were waking up to. Lmao! To think I actually thought about try to help you and make it work. Fuck that... Oh and Fuck you!
If I didn't say it before.
So many things are running thru my mind... The fact I was almost tied with you for ever... Humph ! The fact that we were like twins !! Well hell, Imma act like you were the one that died at birth and make you a forgotten memory. Then for you to be all in my muthafucking face telling me you were gonna play her and still see me was just beyond. See that right there was what alerted me to the fact you were up to some damn bullshit! I have soo much I wanna say I mean sooooooooooooo much but I'm just gon go have a drank and try to forget this mess...


~Rae needs a drank~

Wow so over it.

No extra words I'm just over it. You can dress up your words and tell me watever I wanna hear but bottom line is I'm no longer listening. No I'm not gon be here when she breaks your heart... No I'm not gon stand in the shadows anymore for you. Quite honestly I think my heart let go of you before my mind did. Are we cool? Yea when you not kissing ass but shyt any other time not! So I suggest you get hip and know you lost me for good. I am obviously only good for being your friend from a distance. So go home to her, be in her world cuz you are not strong enough to make it in mine!

*Rae*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Thoughts

So I'm laying here in the bed thinking about all that has happened lately. Honestly I'm glad this heartache is starting to heal cuz going through it is soooo hard. Don't get me wrong I love him but I'm starting to come from under the cloud love has put me under. I mean maybe it is best he stick with her since that is who and where he continues to run to. He thinks I don't know that he went back to his normal life with her but oh well. I'm living my life day to day without him seeing and doing things I never thought I would. Lol! Well that's all for now I'm off to bed.

*peace and blessing*

Rae
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I'm ok!

Sorry I been gone for a min. Its all because of my 21 ness and my ability to go random great places! Lol! All is well in my world and I'm settling back in my single groove after the ex hit me with the wham a few weeks back. I don't have much to say about that situation except hmmm I wish he and I could work out some things. Well all in all I'm out this bitch sleep is calling me!

Rae
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Regret yo bitch ass Rick

Normally I don't blog after the club but this shit got me heated!

So I'm grown and I can call out muthfuckas! *forgive me 2 bottles of remy fucks with a bitch*
Non the fuck less...How dare this bitch ass nigga play me after all the time and engery i put in with this muthafucka! Like all the shyt i put you up on you got the never to flash this bitch with! Damn nigga we get down like that??!?!?! Well Damn, Gucci!
So Rick all that shyt you was in my ear talking was just rebound? Damn I'm glad I didnt fuck yo ass cuz you a damn trip! I tried to help you and love you and this is how you repay me! Fine go head be where you are but dont come the fuck this way no damn more cuz if you do I'm fucking you up! You take my genuine love and concern to the shoulder an brushed me off when yo bitch felt like fucking with you! Ha! i guess u think I don't know about how you run yo damn mouth! Shyt you play the down and out role to get what you want.

Well fuck that I hope you never want anything more from me than a prayer and a damn phone call. Punk ass bitch!
Oh and I want my damn 20 fucking dollars, Bitch!
I hope you told erry one where the fuck you was at when you damned disappeared! Damn why do I have to still love you and you don't love me back!
God please take this pain away!

Signed: That Bitch Rae!

Enough cloudy skies!

Today its bright and sunny so you know I'm going to enjoy it! Plus it will be my first party weekend as a 21 year old so a nigga will be wasted! Hahahhaha! NO Drama so far today, I woke up to the sounds of my babies(nieces and nephews) playing and then I looked out the window and saw blue skies and it was beautiful! And to Mr.Ray I'm sorry you just couldn't see despite all the issues I still loved you. I guess its to late and I frankly don't even want this anymore. Cuz its clear I'm only interacted with when its convenient for you. Well no longer will be in your shadows cuz if you can't be open and and honest with me we don't need to interact. Communication is key and you clearly are locked out!

Rae
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Just thinking

Sometimes I wonder how things would have played out if I did the opposite of what I have done? Would I love man I love? Would I be at Howard like my grandparents wanted? Would I still be a virgin? Just a few random questions. Man I love him but I don't wanna anymore cuz it hurts cuz I feel like he played me ...
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Holiday blues

Man was I a fucking fool to even think that he and I could ever be we again! Damn was I a fool to think that he would be here for one of the most important moments in my life! I mean really as strong as I am he got to me and I'm tired of this shit! I love you and I feel you have taken advantage of that love! I should have never opened my heart back to you! You walked in and took occupancy til you felt your Ms. Something Better felt she wanted you back. As much as I am trying to be here for you I am fucking hurting and you frolic along with her. Well just know every hurt I'm feeling it only pushes me harder and drives my passion even further. So have fun just don't think you will ever get the old Rachele back she died the same day you loved another. I make my self physically stronger just so I can guard my emotions till they can just reflect pain. There is no more of me to take just know I will find away to make it with out you Roderic Ray!

~Rae~
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I am finally 21!!!

Wow! I never thought I would get to this day say quickly! I realize despite everything I am truly blessed! I know everyone wants to know what I'm doing on this day but I truly don't know! So when I do find out yall will be the first to know!

Mucho Love!
~RaE~
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Happy Fucked Up Birthday!

Leave it to my mom to fuck up a happy time... After 21 years she still hasn't let me down when it comes to fucking shit up!

Thanks Mom for fucking this one up!

So everyone that I held dear has let me down already and its not even my birthday, yet. I have about 2 ours till it is and I more than likely will cry myself to sleep. I mean damn everyone has this big great story to tell about being 21 well I will be here drowning in my tears knowing that the one I love is not loving me and my own family can gve to fucks about me. Luckily I get to buy alcohol to drown my issues.


Well I'm off to bed hoping I can wake up feeling better.

~RaE~

WoW ....

Damn, Its been a min since I wrote on my blog through my computer! Seesh! Well as you all have been reading I am sorta out of my slump... No... he and I aren't back to the now and forever stance. Sadly neither is He and is current. I know he was really digging her.
Shyt I almost wanted to tell him to come home the last time we spoke then I remembered this wasn't his home.

Oh and me an Alonzo are no more at all. Hell I know I wasn't in my right mind when we were talking cuz now I'm having nightmares of his after sex face. *shivers in disgust* I mean he looks like...Ugh just forget it!

Yea, but we are done. I mean I feel bad about his father passing but all that really did was show me how much of a worthless, clingy, low self esteem, baby making, wanna be he really was. In my mind I often wonder was I that hurt or depressed that I tried to get over some one I loved by being with someone I despised.

Its amazing the things you will go through to make yourself believe you are happy. Thank God I got out of that slump and shyt. Now I just need to help my Twin *the male version* get back to his. I know I left him at his worst before and I am truly sorry about it. So I made it my personal effort to get him at least out of the dumps he has been in. Sadly he may never read thins but at least it is documented in history forever.

Thats all for now I'm out!

~RaE~

So he played me

Well today was a cool ass day overall! I went to fairlane to see Precious and walked around the mall for a bit. Then as I'm in the car on the way home Chili's, I realize that he played me. Like dude u basically stayed here till shyt blew over between you and Ole gurl cuz u sure went M.I.A. Like damn if that's how it was you shoulda said so!

Anyhoooo I am feeling real good right now! I'm just to ready to hit my bed and curl up next to myself since my neno and the mystery man left.
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Really though!

So I'm laying here with the man of mystery and he feeling some kinda way about my lil daily rituals. In my mind I'm like dude calm down u here and they aren't so what does that say. But its whatever ya dig.! All in all today was pretty cool and shyt nothing to much major happened. Hell I'm bout to lay here and jam till I fall asleep and hope mystery man stops being a butt expulsion. Lol!

~Rae~
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Well damn Gucci!

This has nothing to do with Gucci man what so ever!

Anywho so a nigga is a lil confused cuz I like my chocolate redemption but the mystery man is making madd hard. Like bruh really! I mean these past few days have been great but I'm damn confused as hell. Like how do I solve this solution where do I go from here . Matter of fact what do those kisses mean? Damn you Chocolate Redemption and Mystery man yall just made my world a lil harder.

Help!!!!

~Rae~
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Damn today is just not the day

Soo today obviously a fucked up day for the males in my circle. I dunno wat to say. One of my ex's father died, another one has broken up with his love and just up and disappeared. Damn what's going on in the world.
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Pt 2

Try sleeping with a broken heart and you soon realize how much you don't sleep.

Anywho... Its funny how a man can claim to love u so much, but replace and forget you sooo quick. I can honestly say that every man I loved or thought I loved still has a piece of me and there is no replacing that. Although it could be the reason I feel less and less as my relationship life progresses. Yea I want so bad for my world to be at a peaceful state but the war wounds on my soul are just too much to ignore. Not to mention the past always comes to haunt me. Maybe I'm paying for some past mistake hell I don't know!
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Try sleeping with a broken heart

So I'm on the way home jamming like no other... Then I pay attention to one part of the song and it spoke so true to wats going on in my mind/emotions. Crazy as it seems today was a good day and my Chocolate Redemption is now out of the dog house. Man if u only knew how happy I am to know thing are not what I thought they were. Anywho almost home so hit yall later!

Rae
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Neno wish u were here...

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Buckle down love thoughts

So I have like for projects due for my classes and I haven't started nan one. I have also been a lil lax on my gym thing but its going to be back on track simply cuz I need it to ease the b.s. In my world... Not to mention I gotta pay for it ! Lol!

So yesterday was a decent ass day outside of the usual I bottle up in my spirit. I saw the color on the leaves and it made me smile just out of the blue. I think that's a good sign. I just need to get out of this painful solitude cuz even in a room full of people I still feel cold and alone. Sadly all that does is make me grab on to a man at random and settle cuz the pretending to have some one with u in your darkness is better than knowing there is no one there.

Damn bring back those happy blog times cuz this shyt here is showing how much I need to reach out for help. I just can't do it cuz I feel like I will lose so much.

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My sunny morning

So today I woke up and picked up the pieces of my life/heart and put on my pretend mask. The reason being is cuz I have to go to class today... Luckily I am hitting the gym to work out this stress building in my soul. Thank God for non- destructive outlets for stress cuz surely I don't wanna go down the path my mother went and definitely not the path my father went down. I know I keep mentioning my father but I will elab on a later date or time. Other than that I'm still in this feeling of solitary bliss. Anywho I'm out cuz a nigga got class!

~Rae~
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The bottom looking up

So as I lay here remembering the happy times of the past. I realize that I would be so much more at peace but at the same time they were some of my most difficult. See back then all I could do was give people my heart and my soul... Then I decided to give the one I let get my heart, my body as well.

From there it has been a down hill battle. Sadly as I sit here almost 4 years later... I realize I'm still not over the pain he caused and then like a fool I allowed others to add more pain on top of that. I sit here every night crying out this pain cuz I feel like I'm at the bottom looking up. I look back at the fact I let go of my true love(that is now loving someone else) and it hurts even more to know that everyday I'm slipping closer and closer to the point that I will need anti-depressants again. I surely don't want that!

My world is still crumbling and it makes it no better that I will be 21 without my father. For some reason this is hitting me harder than I ever expected. Damn its looking like I lose every man in my life or is it they never belonged to me in the first place?

~Sad Rae~
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Still gotta tude!

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Neno is gone and so is a piece of me.

So my dog Neno is gone and I'm heartbroken yet again. I want so badly to be able to cry into his fur about this bad day I'm having but I guess even he had to leave me. Oh and my chocolate redemption almost had me fooled but he was a heartbreaker too. I guess I should just turn completely cold but I can't I miss the feeling of like/love blossoming I just wish it came from both ends. Man the month is the worst month for me with all the ups and downs not to mention I have no one to spill to but my blog, in hopes that there is solace in me getting this out of my mind and heart.

Love is nothing more than a mirage in my desert of life...

~Rae~
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I might have been wrong

So we sitting here chilling and I realize that my ass jumps to conclusions to quick. All in all he still my chocolate redemption . Loving it none the less. Hit yall later!


~Rae~
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Damn really?

So like I said it was to good to be true. My chocolate redemption is nothing but a mere fantasy. I guess he was a reminder of sorts that I can still feel feelings of love or those like it. Although I'm taking an L on him being in my future, I am winning because its just another situation the keeps me even more grounded and commited to the betterment of myself.

So other than that my day went well and I pushed myself extra hard in the gym. Its like the pain and tight feeling is a welcomed one in comparison to the pain I been feeling from my past and from my family. Hmmm what to do?

~Rae~
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True Love.

As I'm laying here listening to Alicia Keys "No One", I notice I am missing the feelings that this song is talking about. I miss the feeling of being taken over by love and happy thoughts. Not to mention the feelings you get when you know the one you're loving feels the exact same way.

Often times we as people settle for someone who isn't truly for us and miss out on the one who is . I wonder if that's why I am missing out on that feeling above mention.

~Rae~
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Too good to be true...

There is a reason why I am not all to into the guy I spoke of as of recent. Simply because I at times feel like the feelings are to good to be true. Damn I dunno wat to say about this...
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My chocolate redemption

I know that lately my blogs have been centered around my feelings for one in my past as well as the b.s. The past loves bring. Well rest easy cuz this is not one of those blogs.

So here's the lowdown... I'm on my to bed one of these recent nights and my phone dings to the sound of a facebook notification so I pick it up to see its a random friend request and those are the ones I get up for! Lol! Simply because if I don't know u I wanna know why u requesting me. Anywho so I get up and see wat the person is about only to see some wanna be looking ass nigga. (I found out later how wrong I was.) Somehow we end up talking and then we move up to texts then he calls me like "I'm bored driving around the city" and I say " Hell come take me to coney" on some joking fat gurl type shyt. Next thing I know he texts me like slide me the addy and I will. Now me being the suspicious person I am is like should I take a chance.

Well yea I took it and boy was I pleasantly surprised. Anywho he pulls up in his jeep and I look in the car to be sure aint no creepy shyt then I look up to this gorgeous chocolate fine face lawd I felt like I found the one. Now don't think I came up with this off looks. No this comes from the fact that he and I had about an hour long convo before we even made it to the phones so I asked all types of shyt.

So we're in the car chilling and talking about everything under the sun till the sun comes up. I never thought in my recent situations that I would come across a cool ass dude like him. Its so crazy cuz we have been on this cake type shyt for the past few days now and he makes me feel that happy love feeling I first felt when I first fell in love with a dude. Now don't get to thinking I'm in love with him cuz in no way am I saying that... He just gives me good feelings.
Its just so crazy that I let go of so much recently and he brings back so much of the good things I missed. Not to mention when he kissed me I felt the stars align with our signs and bring us to a level of new consciousness. Man I know this post may be jumpy but its so much to tell that it be's like that. Lol! Anyways as of right now he is my chocolate redemption and I love it.

~Rae~
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The questions

What do you do when you want some one...

How bout the main problem is u had them and took them for granted? Hell Erykah Badu made a song about this feeling *I want you* Hell the whole the time I was at the gym he was consuming my thoughts no matter what I did! It was sooo damn motivating but saddening. Simply cuz I could reach my goal in todays work out but I couldn't reach him. Part of me feels like the fact he hasn't spoken to me is a clear indication that he will totally forget me to keep her. Damn am I wrong for wanting him to do anything but that?

I want either to gain him and his heart back, or for this feeling to go away. All I can do is take this one day at a time. Oddly everyday is a new day of loves turmoil.

What to do?

~Rae~
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

This life of mine!

Hello to all my blog readers! I am currently on the bus coming from the gym. (Yes the gym. That's how stressed I been.) So I joined the YMCA to get fit and take my mind off the fuckery that my family has been putting me through. First off I have been a tad bit down about my love/twin loving another at my own fault. Then my bro goes to jail and muhfuckas in my family come to me like I'm a fucking cash cow!

Yes really yall! First my bros wife comes to me asking for damn near 700 then as I'm running my blues away on the treadmill my brother calls asking for 1000 some damn dollars. It caught me so damn off guard I damn near fell off the thing. Like to make matters worse he goes" yea can u go to the bank right now and take it out to give to me." What bitch is you serious!?!?! So I tell him politely I don't have it and hang up with an even bigger attitude. What the fuck makes these muhfuckas thing I got damn money like that! Shyt I don't even have fucking car of my own so how can I possibly give u money for one. Man I'm almost home I'll hit yall later.

Rae
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The State of the Mind Address

I know there is nothing better than realizing that you can do nothing but be yourself.
No!
I am no glamour diva, no trapstar queen, nor am I the woman who needs to have & rule everything.
I am beauty in my best beholding, love in the beginning stages, and a person that can make mistakes admit them and go on.
I am one that has learned that apologies need not be wasted on the ones you feel hold, no shame cuz there is always 2 wrongs in the life and game...


To those you cherish follow your heart...
Not your friends and family's feelings cuz they simply don't feel for you.
Love cuz you wanna love and how you wanna love them cuz when they're gone there is no one to ease the pain you have of of a true love lost... friends and lovers alike.
Look back at the past and see your mistakes and learn from them cuz doing it again is emotional suicide...

I wish I had paid this advice attention before I lost sooo many that I love to another persons opinion. Thank God they still love me and accept me flaws and all, they are with me through this growing process and not out to get anything more than a better lover, friend, and family member. To those I let go of or let go of me... Maybe the love will come around but right now only a fool would let it manifest into what it once was.

~Rae~

Now and 4ever...Past and 4gotten

So I'm eating my huge ass humble pie...
I am left to face the fact that I am no longer Now and 4Ever...
Man when life randomly hits you with that WHAM!
It hits hard.

Nonetheless... Yes I read yo shyt its on repeat like a damn playlist.

Signing off
~ Past and 4gotten~

Love the afterthought

Love is more than just an emotion, its a way of life.
Lately I feel like I just haven't been living.
There are so many emotions that are swimming and floating through my my mind; leading a train wreck to my heart.
I hate that I am stuck in this tango of love and I'm not the lead.
The countless nights of tears after a day of pretending all is well, is beyond draining.
It has taken a complete toll on me that I can't even expect one to try to go through.
My world seems off kilter as though I am missing a major part of me.
Not to mention there are so many issues as of my past that I haven't dealt with that are making this world of mine spin backwards.
So hopefully soon I can find an outlet or a soulution to this Love Jones get back to my warm and cozy nights of sleep and the distant memory of fistfuls of tears...


~Rae~


*A lil reminder of a happy memory in LOVE...*

YouTube!!!

Hey yall!!!
I figured since I spend countless with my Mac baby ~Macbook~...
Why not put it 100% to use?
I have now started to step not just my blog game up, but my Youtube game up!
You can get more of my madness at my Youtube channel!

www.youtube.com/haratchi

I know its not much but its one more way for ya'll out there to interact with me.
So drop by tell me things, teach me thing and you might just learn somethings...Lol!

Peace!

~ELLEZ~

Sista Soul let go of baggage...

Yay, ME!
I let go of my baggage!
So me and Alonzo officially broke it off and I am actually feeling really free my energy is just at an all time high. As well as I figured out how to use iMovie so look out for those hot you tube posts. Well thats all for now cuz I'm off to pamper myself and prepare for this weekend full of stress.

Much Love,
Soul Amazing Rae!

Good morning, Bullshit!

Sooo...
I'm up all because moms is calling and texting about an ex...
The current soon to be ex is laying next to me... ( *elapse 5 min* Ok now he is gone...)
Forgive me for being an honest person or at least trying... but the ex and I had a convo that was basically stating I missed him. Hell if you don't wanna know don't ask, but I told him that it wasn't like i wanted anything from him but friendship. Frankly that's all I really wanted to begin with but my mind just floated on away the last time. Nonetheless I never finish telling him where the reason behind it all cam from simple because I got sleepy and went to sleep. Fast forward to now I wake up to a barrage of yahoo IM's from the ex and his current. Shes pissed and he doesn't even know shes talking to me. I feel real set up right now on top of the fact the soon to be Ex is mad and I don't even know whats going on.
Any who my morning is not going how I planned but I am happy I got my bed back...
I will touch back when I have all the details and I'm not half sleep and half mad....

~Ellez~

So this one is going to be short and sweet.

It boggles my brain how things in my family go from sugar to shit that fast.

As well as how I can possibly go from 0 to 3 children in less than a month.

Why so serious? The joker and I have too much in common.

I swear the doctors from when I was younger were right!
I'm... Bipolar!!!
Like really!??!?!
Yesterday I felt like shyt the whole day for no damn reason. Just all types of mad and ready to sabotage a nigga's new found life, just cuz I could. Then I got like dangerously mad over something I typically don't even get mad about. I cussed out like three dudes that maybe didn't deserve being cussed out, then again maybe they will think twice before asking about sex, money, or baked goods...Lmao!

Honestly I don't know what the deal is like one day I feel my world is out of control, then the next day I'm on top of it. It kinda scares me, but not as much as being in a hospital again or being on meds. You know whats funny though? So many people feel some kinda way about people with emotion disorders or depression issues, but if they knew how many people actually suffered from it they would think twice about calling some one out on their craziness. Now don't get me wrong its not an excuse for people to go out and just be a total danger, but it does offer some sort of insight on why you may see someone close to you going through the changes they are going through.

Depression and emotional disorders are, in my opinion, are worse than cancer or A.I.D.S. Now hear me out before folks go on a rant. I say this because with ailments like that it affects you physically and at times mentally, but you can over come it especially if you are mentally sound and have support. As well as many times it can be cured or well under control and you live a normal life. With depression and emotional disorders you entire life evolves around it, you have to wonder everyday, if your on meds, will you have wacky side effects and how will you feel. If your not on meds you have to wonder, hope, and pray that nothing pops up in your world to trigger you to snap. It also puts a major damper on relationships because people aren't always understanding of the fact that you may not have control of certain things going on with you. Also it makes everyday things just a lil harder cuz your mind is what controls everything in your body so if you mind is having technical difficulties so the hell is the rest of you... So keep that in mind for the next time you see a random person going through it or one of those damned medicine commercials.

As Always its been real and I am now off to bed.

Thee PsYcHo Rae

^^^^
*Not really psycho, but some one dear to me gave me the nickname and it stuck...Lol!*

better?

Today is brighter than the last few... So time for a song!
Lol!
Enjoy!

Fuck my life...

ARGHHHH!!!

Fuck my life!
I want the simple life back!

So after all of the betterment I'm trying to do in my world, I'm still getting all types of pain. I guess in the famous words of my besti, Yanni, "Karma is a bitch and she will fuck you so good, then wait a few weeks and find out you got herpes..." So basically thats my life minus the herpes. I mean I understand you get what you put out, but right now I can't take it. Like on the inside people don't know how close I really am to that edge... I want so badly for my life to fall back in place like I though it was not to far back, but hell we all cant have what we want.

I want for my so called boyfriend and I to not keep going back and forth. At this point he and I are a dangerous love affair. It seems carelessness fuckin' rules the whole thing between us; I hate it more than anything else. I'm tired of us arguing and then making up only to find out another chick he is cheating on me with is some how stalking my life cuz she feels like I'm stepping on her territory when its really the other way around. As well as I'm tired of it being so common that part of me doesn't even care cuz my feelings are just getting tired of this cat and mouse game.

Honestly I need to let this go cuz its just all bad, but the false sense of security is better than being knowing you have no security at all.I really hate admitting my flaws but I'm learning to do this more and more everyday. I'm mean on the outside all seems well so I plan to keep it that way till I can find out whats going on with me on the inside. Lawd knows I can't take this cold empty feeling that I am not actually living my life... I'm just a stand in till the real me comes back.


Anywho on a lighter note. I talked to a dearly painful part of my past( No dis), and I only felt it right to truly aim on a friendship cuz he was a good friend point blank and period. Nonetheless I don't want anything more than that simply because my life is just not on that path. Plus its good to see everybody getting the better side of life and I honestly hope it lasts as long as the world turns and the sunshine's. So hopefully tomorrow comes a bit faster so I can do some major retail therapy and cop these Dunks I been eying and the lovely 10 Deep jacket I want, cuz hell the kid may be going through it, but Imma go through it flyy as fuck. Plus it pays to know people in the fashion/skater/urban soul scene...Lmao!

Well thats all for now folks...I'm out!
Ellz tha pSyChO <<<>

So were all mixed...

Ok so here is a random question.
I hope I get answers...

Why is it a big deal if Mrs. Michelle Obama has a few white ancestors?

I mean really how many people of color don't. I can look so close as my grandfather and cousins to see the white side of me.

Is that a big deal?

No!

So why is there so much hooplah about black folks having a mixed genealogy? I mean, hell, shyt happens. Some of us maybe were violated as slaves and some of us had a love affair with the lighter side of life either way it goes.

This is America the land of the free and free to hide.

So why are we acting like every time something from the past past comes back it unbelievable? Trust me honey it's not.

Random quotes that I made... Thanks to facebook.

Here are a few quotes that really show what I'm thinking at times:

In Rae's Mind...

"is there is no greater love than the love God gave you to have for self..."

"is letting everyone know that you can't put a price on a person and don't let new age laws make us new age slaves..."

"is saying yet again the company we keep and the secrets we can't hide can surely lead to a final demise... Maybe this here has expired?"

"is feeling melodic notes grace across her thighs making amazing music that only his ears can hear. The air tastes of love only time has experienced..."


"wants to feel that giddy feeling of love... If only for one small portion of my life."

"jammin' to John Mayer...Like why does his voice remind me of fresh lemonade and country summer love..."

"is I thought i told that i wont stop...Hah...HAH!!! Yes and sadly even friends throw salt on ya game but its cool cuz in life you need a lil seasoning."

"is play wit an octopus clitoris in bikini bottom so sponge on that, Bob!!!!"
(LMAO!)

"I lay my heart down to love, but it weathered storms of sorrow before love could save it...."

"is nowhere to be found... Looking at life for what it really is. And I can no longer pretend or suppress these feelings so I am being honest with everyone."

"is contemplating a change to maintain sanity and break the binds of gravity. Looking proudly to the heavens and screaming my last prayers to the Gods that so graciously allow me my next breath. The breath that allows death to cower asunder a rock hoping..."

"has closed a chapter in her life... Am i happy about it? No, but i damn sure ain't sad. Love is simply not how it used to be."

"is like I see when the tables turn and the spotlight isn't on you its cool... Well I no longer will be part of this Minstrel Show... Simply cuz I never was good at being a tap dancing, painted face, shucking and jiving ass nigga"

"is knowing today is the day... Tears flowed like sorrow filled rivers, making everything a lil greener the next day..."

"is watching Mo' Better Blues wishing she had a lil mo better love experiences..."

"is like I'm gay!!!...No, Bitch you gay!!! Oh yea and I fucked ya man, too...So how gay is that! Lmao!!"

"is If everbody fuckin dimes, then who got all these ugly bitches pregnant?"

Well thats all for now cuz I was bored, but now I'm sleepy...
So Goodnight!
Rae

Making it work: Love in the club.

When it's late... I'm usually thinking.
Well today is different...
I went to see the significant other and we are back to this love experience.
For now.
So as I'm chilling with his Fam and such his child's mother is there and honestly she was not what I expected but none the less I am beating her all around. Lol!
Then some gurl that he can't put a direct definition to, walks in the door to trys to "piss" on her "territory" by stating who she was and trying to flirt with him in front of me, as if that is going to make me lose my cool.
Ha! Not!
So I'm sitting there planning on what the rest of my night will play out as, not paying her ass attention. Little does she know that I can take him or leave him, and he will still want me.

Anywhoo... So I end up at the club jamming and such.
Lol @ the foolery that goes on in the club. Nonetheless it was fun!
~Forgive the impropers... Im kindaout of it and tired~
So the end for now.


~Sleepy Ellez~

Testing

I wonder if this works?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Back down memory lane...ohh and what a memory.

Wassup yall out there in blog land?!?!?!
So yesterday I didn't have much to say...
Hmm...
Chile....
I got plenty to say today!

So I just get off the phone with a friend of mine from high school, right? Man we were talking and chopping it up like we were back to being the way were were in high school except this time I had questions and he had answers...Lmao!
Mind you he randomly called me at 3 something in the A.M. Hell I don't mind cuz most times I'm up anyways.
Umph!
But today I was not expecting this call.
Thank God he doesn't read my blog cuz he would get a whole new view of me and my mind.
Anywho... Back to the point!
He and I were talking, and it was soooo good to be talking to someone that knew me before all the baggage was added. Hell, the fact he liked me at a time when I didn't even like myself made me feel even damn better.

Even still a few things popped in my head like:

Does he know how damned gorgeous he is?
(Maybe not?)

I wonder what that *Ahem* be like...
(Ooooo tall chocolate body of a God having ass man with the East Coast accent...MMMMmmm... Stop!!!)

How is he still so humble despite all the thing about him that would make him sooo conceited?
( The thing that makes him even greater cuz even with out the looks he is too damn cool...Lol!)

Lastly... Why is it to this day he will always be one of the coolest and truest friends I have ever had even though we don't hang tough nor live anywhere near each other?
(Because he just reminds me of the better and happier side of life...)

Beside all that, man, just everything about my world seemed to suck today until a call from a good ole' friend. Its amazing what friends can do!



Thanks Rob!

Sickness and poetry

Hello all you blog readers in Blogland!
I truly have no biz being up, but this here cold is kicking my ass!!!
I wish I had a million things to blog about, but I don't. Simply because not to much has happened just school, sleep, drinking, and blowing a few trees every now and again.
Nuthing major, right?
My point exactly.
Lol!
Well Imma finish this later cuz I think I'm bout to get some midnight pussy talk...
Lmao!
HAAA!

p.s. No B.F. Free at last... free at last!!

Fame!!!

I saw the movie Fame this weekend with moms!
It was effing great, I realized that I myself was not living my dreams.
So I put in a plan of action to pursue my wants needs and desires with no inhibitions...
So you are now looking at the newly come out of the closet...Performing Arts Major!!!!!!!
Other than that life is just that.
Nothing more nothing less.
When I get more to say I will!

Ready or not here I go...

Woke up today feeling kinda funny.
Like I went to pee like 20 times in an hour...WTF!
Anywho... I'm still in my Fugee state of mind doing my thang.
So here is my current theme song....





And I'm out!!!

Changes...

So...Today I went to church.
I actually enjoyed it and found it very refreshing.
It just spoke to me and about me in so many ways it was just amazing. The fact that must go through darkness to really appreciate the light. I now see where my darkness was and why my light is shining better than ever. So to all those that feel that they can continue to bring darkness back into my light you have another thing coming. Simply because my change is constant and I am covered in love and blessings.
May God Bless you and and your dark thoughts.

Lastly... I am me and remain so till the end of time, so while you just catching up to where you should have already been. I have been there and done that. That's why your behind me and not in front not in the literal, but in the quantum physics of things.

~Rae~

No one will...

Hello world...
I'm sitting here with the future and he looks so peaceful as he sleeps. As much as we argue and fight it all seems worth it when I wake up to him holding me close using my chest as a pillow. Or when he wakes up before me and wakes me in the most amusing and gratifying ways. See I am realizing I don't want all the bells and whistles I just want some one mellow and cheerful. That not only respects my retarded ways but tries to understand them even if he won't conform to them.
I am learning that not to many will, thus No one will.

All in all today was a good day...Lmao!
Mookie dropped a bomb on my world and Rick sorta tried to pull some bull, but all in all things were great. I mean I could elaborate but for what? Cause quite frankly there is nothing he can say to me, since he believes lying is the way to go when it comes to me. Lol... Ex's be a trip especially those who feel like now that we are separate they can tell only half the story...

Well I'm off here cuz he is placing sweet kisses on my shoulder to alert me of his displeasure with addiction to my electronics...

Blessings to all even those whom I am at ends with.
~Soul Amazing Rae~

To whom it may concern...

Well I'mma put some things out there for the world to see.
First and foremost I am no groupie so I keeps it moving, so for there to be shots in the dark taken about the past it is not welcomed at all. Also the hostility towards me isn't even necessary cuz, Honey, I am over it. So just come to terms that since we... no you can't be cordial then just sever ties and let life...Live.

Soo on that note I will continue to bump my Cudi tunes and smile, cuz I am happy at the mercy of my own hands.

Damn... For real I guess

So it seems you can't even be nice to people these days like wtf!
All I did was ask genuinely how you doing only to get a barrage of cuss words from out of your mouth, and to think I walked out of football lessons from the hubby to at least show I care...Hmm.
Well anywho today was a bomb ass good day. No drama just love and peace...and some more love!
School is going well and plans are falling into place everything is great.
Wat else is there to say?!?!?

Today was madd cool

Not much to say had fun today!
Di and I had a cool ass day. Its the first I had in a long time.
Oh and shouts out to Mrs. Aj Ray... Lmao! You had me rolling thru the VMA's wish we didn't interact on such awkward terms but you a cool chick all in all!

Lastly Zo and I are back in the relationship game hope it goes well!

Welp good morn and I will holla when I get to class!

no essay...

So yesterday I just posted past poems in place of new word feelings.
On the inside I'm just not well.... Sadness engulfs but my joy should be back soon...

Confessions of a fat girl...

I want to look like less so you can love me more...

Be more than the girl you fuck at nite, you know ya personal fat whore...

I wonder if i was skinny would you show me off like a brand new Benz, when you got ya income tax ends...

I wish you were there when i cry my butter tears from my years of overdosing on my favorite white girl...Sara Lee.

See I confess i want to be her the girl that weighs less that 210...

The girl that holds all your affection... With her size 2's and salads.

I feel as though if i sang you a million ballads you still wouldn't love me cuz of my bad eating habits.
I love You more than she ever will !!

I'm a big girl with big love and just because I'm fat, I can't be sent from above?...

I love you fool and by all means I am fat....So if i were skinny would you love me back... these things i confess i break my back and a sweat to give you my best.

So Imma get on this Diet and do it for us, cuz i wanna be the object of your affection and no longer your lust.

just be

As i sit in my classroom
thinking of these days of gloom
wonder wat i have in store
simply for my life i want more

I sit and dream my life away
Parties, fun and foolish love
Young and gifted i hope to stay
But soon i move on and fly with doves

My hopes , my dreams all things in between
I hope to find my love supreme
i am so young but feel so old
so it seem with men my heart grows cold.

a new found love i truly hope to attain so know that when i find it, it will be held dear on a precious chain

..... the mistress

I don't know what we are...but I know we are fucking.

I don't know what we are doing to your child's mother....But its hurting her.

I cant explain the feelings between us ....but its not love.

I often wonder what is the purpose of this affair...but it seems like it never had one.

I see the pain in the words she writes about....but i can only continue to lie for you for so long.

The one thing i am sure of is...that we can no longer continue this tainted love affair.

I can no longer be the other woman.....simply becuz i am my own woman.

So my suggestion to you is....Go home to your family and let what we had go.

Mental torture

I cant wait to feel the warm rush of feelings you get the one you love gets within miles of you, let alone inches.

I cant wait till i see you and i know you the one without any word or movement, i just know.

I cant wait till you come to me and shower me with all the love our bodies cant stand till we collapse from the power of our love combined.

I cant wait till i can give all this love thats been heavy on my heart that its almost a burden.

I cant wait till you discover all the feelings that i kept hidden from others because it so powerful , yet so delicate that it would take only a real love to understand and nurture.

I cant wait!
I wont wait!
I DONT WANNA WAIT!

I cant wait till we are Us with no spaces in between our mental, spiritual, and physical love.

I cant wait till you right my wrongs...answer my questions...give me closure on life and love in this world cause you are all i need and want.

I cant wait to give this give between these chocolate, caramel thighs.

I cant wait to see your eyes light up when you discover your special surprise and return the gratitude till sunrise.

I cant wait to praise the Heavens above because God sent me a gift so beautiful that it brings diamond tears to my eyes.

I cant wait!
I cant wait!
I wont wait!
I DONT WANNA WAIT!

I cant wait till you are hold me and we realize that forever is only seconds and eternity is just tomorrow in this love we have, cause eternity and forever is to short for our kind of love.

I cant wait till we are holding each other like its the last time even though we know its not.

I cant wait till our love to others is as true and complex as quantum physics.

I cant wait till i find you cause the only thing missing in my blessed life is you.

I cant wait!
i wont wait!
I DONT WANNA WAIT!

The ultimate depression

I sit.....
Here.....
wondering why its so hard for me to wake up in the morning.
The thoughts of failure constantly swim in my head...
...along with the fact that if i don't win all i fought for over the years will mean nothing.....
As I lie here.....
Crying....
...Trying to get over the pain others caused me ....
slowly causing the line between normalcy and insanity slip away....
...Into a pool of sex and lies to pacify the heres and nows, the pains of whys and why didn't you love me like a
mother....father...
lover....Shit!!!
Like a person who loves me!!!
...So i continue to lay here hoping to drown in my ocean of tears...
slowly... drifting in to the pain that Amy Winehouse lets ooze out of her voice and into my house only to let me succumb to the darkness my life has grown accustomed to in the past few years.....
I can only wish and dream for a lifesaver in this sorrow of mine only to realize this is reality and no one can save you from yourself and all you know.....
So i continue to lie my self to you and other believe i have my shyt together when all i know is slowly falling apart and has loudly crumbled at my feet...
I will never admit i am in this ultimate depression....cuz almost in definite succession you will see me eating my painful slice of the devils pie.....why!!!!
... Cuz all i know i pain and tears of constant sins displayed and played on my head, heart and womb....slipping me in to the further painful life doom.....Thats is my ultimate depression and my untimely life nearing death of my soul and joy......

as short as my last relationship...

We are so many things.....
You loved me so called most of all beings...
We argue over little things....
Where are we going in this relationship?
Down hill or so it seems....
I love you much, you love me more.....
But you nag me so much even when im just going to the store....
So we argue and argue, but got no where....
I said i was tired and you gave a blank stare....
On that note i ended it so calm, but in your eyes it seemed i dropped a large bomb....
I said we should love but not quite like this cuz this relationship is just not our eternal bliss...

Minstrel Show Ho'

My tears drain the joy from my soul leaving an empty shell, from which carries aborted love children out of my body and into the sea of painful reality...

My ears are filled with trickery music only hear by the lonely at heart...wishing for a solution to light their painful dark....

I am striving to be more than just a character in this minstrel show called life i seem to want to be the star..knowing the pain she goes through is so much less than mine...

As the lights shine and the camera starts i let it look in to my eyes and tell the story of me through my lies....
I dance around the issues that cloud my mind making you all laugh at my niggerish buffoonery....and shuck and jive to keep this unpleasant crowd alive...

I am now your minstrel show hoe....

Fucking the beat and backdrops licking the sweet syrup from the toe tops of the audience to please and appease a never settled crowd...

I am a foolishly loud ad, foolish becuz that who i am all you expect from me....

The minstrel show hoe....

So it seems i am no good for anything but entertaining rock hard penises and cherry tinted lips all with a simple sway of my hips....

But... soon I, the minstrel show hoe, must go on to a place of rest past all you oppressive eyes and lie in the shallow grave dug for all your minstrel show legends....

Who Deserved more of what you never gave.

in responce to lavish...

Tears streamed down my eyes... I held in all my emotions of that day and it all came out in the time span I read his words. No words just silence as I retreat in to my shell of darkness...
Thanks for remembering and mom says she still likes you.

Darkness falls...
I'm out.

Damn I really need some damn weed.

Damn R.i.P Jalaine

So I just left my aunty's house happy as hell to be home cuz after the shyt that happened this weekend hell! Plus I'm glad I didn't see him...Nothing but bad would have come of it. Man like so everything was bad cuz the 5th was the one year anniversary of my fathers death and all types of sadness was engulfing the house. My brother started drinking and Granny was kinda down. Things just weren't what they used to be. Then today my twin does the dumbest shyt ever because of a damn boi I mean really the police and my family all involved nothing good came of it. An to think I was going to come home and blog about a good day...That shyt aint happen fuck it oh well.

All in all fuck it...
Plus all the Ex's that live near my aunty I'm sure its abut 3 now.
I'm out!



P.s. Damn I need some weed!

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the beat...

Today is the day of break!
Yay !
So... today is a day of just chilling and homework... Great!
Man if y'all only knew how focused I really am in comparison to last semester you would be madd proud. It just feels good to be back on track and making my family and self proud again. In all honesty it just feels good to be back to my sister soul self, cuz she has been pushed back to please others. Well now we are back in unison and Sista Soul is not going anywhere!
Anywho... got stuff to do and sleep to get I'll add more later.

Pay day and broke day... All about out look.

You can't blame anyone but yourself for your fuck ups!!

Now that I have said that here are some kind words we all need to hear at some point.
People often want to find a person to blame for their short comings. I am as guilty of this as anyone else, but we must at times take a step back and look at how we coulda played the situation better. If we couldn't then it was beyond our control.
At times people feel like blaming some one else is the thing to make them feel better....Not! Its all b.s.! I feel like this if you fuck up take responsibility for that and keep on pushing period. The same thing goes for moods and feelings. I understand we as human work on vibrations, but one must learn to operate on a higher frequency thus building your self higher. Make the most of a bad situation and think that somewhere down the line its not even going to be as bad as it was or is at that time. Especially if you are aiming to change it!

I know this is a short blog, but this Queen has class to go to...Lol!

All in all everyone be blessed, strive for the best and remember Ain't no half stepping!




Peace!

Ellez!

The power in femininity ...

Today I woke up feeling real spiritual...
I wanted to wake up and just embrace my womanhood full throttle. You know do something different, make the radiance within shine brighter than the sun. Amaze men with my allure and make other women proud of not just me; at the fact they, too are women.
Just totally embrace me!

Ever since the I realized that I am my own love experience, it seems as though other things just aren't so hard to do. Even the concept of being single is a great thing in my eyes. I notice that I am getting a lot more accomplished alone than if I were with someone else. In my opinion I feel like why even try to be with some one if you aren't together with your self or at least almost together with yourself. Are you that selfish that you must involve some one else in your short comings?
All in all being single isn't all that bad when you realize that you still have remodeling within yourself to do. Lol!

Here's a song for y'all and I'm out!

My Revelation after procrastination

Ok so I was supposed to write this lst night when I got out of the shower, but I never got around to it... Lol! Plus I got about an hour to make it to class.

So last night while I was doing the usual routine (double body wash and washing of the hair) I realized that the last relationship I was in was actually my first true and real one. Wow, I know! With that said it made me think what did I call all of the other ones? I mean what were they really?
I mean don't get me wrong everything happens for a reason but if Rick was my first true and real boyfriend does that mean I was emotionally single with every other dude?

*Well before I go any further I just want to let all know I am in no shape or form trying to interrupt him and his girls happiness I'm just stating my revelation. *

I can honestly thank him for giving me the time to learn and grow a bit in the know how about relationships. No he wasn't the best thing since a washing machine but he still was a good guy.
I can honestly say that he was a learning experience for my future love experience. Hopefully I remember to put everything I though of in the shower in this cuz most times I cant even remember what I'm saying even if I just said it.

Well y'all I'm out!
Much love!
Hotep from Elles!

Well...

Today is the first day of class and I am currently in between classes... Just plain bored. Things have been going fairly well in my world thus far, so I can't complain.

Not much to say... I know I was promising things of better and bigger well here goes.

A few things that just might get you through the day!



Why?

Really now? No sneak dissing here.

Ok... Folks I'm back!
I'm wondering about a few things to be quite honest.

1. How can some one you don't really talk to quote you and they can't even see where you quoted it at?
2. How do they get off saying you never meant anything? Really now?

3. So you wanna try to kick a person when you think they are down?

Well all in all Imma go in!

First of all I let sleeping dogs lay for the simple fact that respect your girl after the convo. Secondly for you to write about anything I wrote in any situation after the convo is irrelevant for the simple fact that it had nothing to do with you, thus, you invited your own emotions in to the publication. Also one can wonder if you are ever so not malicious, or so you say. How can you lie about emotions and or situations?
Like dude I totally can't believe I even paid any attention in the first place. No! I will not say I regret knowing you, but I will say I regret not following my true feeling as well as those who told me to look out about you.
Yes... I have my flaws and I own up to them freely, but can you own up to yourself about yours...

I will not wish bad upon, but only the justice the universe sees fit to hand you and all living things. I have learned from this mistake not to ever go through it again; to not compromise who I am for anyone ,as well as don't allow those that aren't productive in your life, because over time you yourself will become the very same. Normally I would display such anger and ignorance but I woke up and snapped out of the trance I was once in. See I wasn't this angry before you came about and all of the bad life energy that you had only allowed my bad energy to grow. Now that I realize that I must first live it to be it. I will try to attain the balance in my life I was once seeking so that I may live a balanced life. So for those that feel I have wronged them I truly apologize. For those who have wronged me no need to apologize for you have already been forgiven, but never forgotten.

Hotep!
~Rae~

wat once was...

River Story

This love of ours tells a story like a river over rocks.
When it rains hard the rivers runs deep, fast, and violent upon the rocks that it loves so dearly.
But with out the rain, the river itself cannot thrive.
When the rain stops and the sun arrives the river runs calm and clear showing the earth around it so much love.
We ourselves are the river ever changing and flowing.

The storms in our relationship only replenish and renew our love.
And like that river we run eternally, telling wise words, and helping those around us thrive.
But like that river we ourselves must move on and flow to bigger and greater bodies of our lives.
There is no fear in us, no selfishness only love ever flowing.
I know that we have had turbulent times that seem impossible to get through, but only time and hard work can make those moments mean more than just bad memories.
See We are like the Nile flowing against gravity.
Showing and telling a history as we make all around us thrive.
So my dear like the rivers in this world let love flow like a river in ours.

An update/ Confessions to Roderic Ray...

Well I have good news and I have bad news...

Good news is I got a new phone the Blackberry Tour! Totally love it like beyond all types of love!

Bad News... there is a great deal of uncertainty in my world none the less I keep on pushing.

Well since my lil blog break so much has happened. I went from a pretty happy relationship to letting go all together. I mean it hurts to let go but obviously it was the best thing to do since he and I argued like no other over everything. At times I think I am going for the wrong men and giving to much time and energy to things that shouldn't be paid any attention but all in all, I guess it makes you stronger.

The most painful part of this hiatus was the realization that the one I truly loved and was with lied to me. True enough how we broke up was wrong, but honestly don't sell dreams when yours have come true. It was foolish of me to not expect him to move on, but at the least be honest about it. I shed tears for an hour about the fact the he threw away the option that there could ever be us again.
There will for the time being be a sense of psycho in my mind about it. No... I will never like her for the fact that she felt the need to speak on things that never pertained to her in a sense, but the blame is not entirely on her. If he were as honest as he claimed to be may all these so called feeling wouldn't exist. At times I wish I could go back to the times when we were happier but that is a pure fantasy. He simply wasn't the one since he could seriously not even let things fall according to plan. Maybe I was wrong for expecting him to what things as bad as I did. At the end of the day love is lost and I will not even be a mere thought in his mind. In true confessions I wonder what does she do for you that I didn't? Do you sit up with her in the middle of the night laughing and talk with here like you did with me? Does she cook for you?
Just looking at pictures of us together makes me feel all types of emotions. The picture of me in the hospital that you took. The tears I cried the night I got the positive pregnancy test that you never knew about cuz I was to scared to tell. The fact that even before the little one could be more that just a small fragment of love we had... It was gone. Yes... Letting go is so hard to do cuz you were me and I was you. I still laugh at the fact we look alike, or the fact that we both had fro's. Yet I still shed tears from the fights and heart felt moments we had... So I end this with a blessing on you and your endeavors.
Good Luck and may she love you more than the sand loves the ocean...

~Rachele

Wtf is up with me and the movies, today?

Ok... so I watched Diary of a Tired Black Man... Only for me to watch its A Thin Line between Love and Hate. So all in all this whole day life is trying to tell me something. That something very well maybe that one must be more so in tune with self than with another. To me that speaks volumes. I mean I tend to please and appease others so much only to get tired of putting on a show which in turn makes a person think that I am something more than what I am.
Well none the less it is very true that there is a thin line between love and hate. Hopefully one can stay on one side of the line.

Diary of a Tired Black Man...

Wow! So I'm sitting here watching the movie Diary of a Tired Black Man. Its amazing to see the world from a mans perspective. Like there are sooo many men that I see being talked about in this movie that I took out time in my life to date. This movie is a definite must see for all people dating, single or married. It makes you pose a few questions.
1. Why do we as women put up with the men that are either no good or lazy,but turn down the hardworking loving humble man?
2. Is it because they feel that the "good" man is weak?
3. Where does the anger in black women come from?

Lastly where do we as people stand when it comes to making decisions in relationships?

Anywho... Everyone that reads this should check out the movie.

Much love peace and blessings, Rae!

New Direction

As I'm sitting here listening to a mix of Vivian Green and Jay Electronica, I come to the realization that I need to take my blog in a different direction. So from now on I will telling about my journey towards being a healthier person not just physically but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally as well. So from now on I will be gearing this blog towards the happier sid of life.

Well be blessed all, and I look forward to bringing ya'll good info.

Bust the eyeballs out yo face!!!! GRRRR

Ok...
so my black ass has been procrastinating on the blog writing lately.
As well as other things...
See as of lately I have been going in such a motion that resembles an atom. It's like my life has been a fucking whirlwind or so to speak. I mean... can I be real with ya'll? See I have recently reaquired this wonderful type dude, but I still want the old one to do well and burn in hell at the same time. I dunno why, but I do. Its not so much as me being jealous or just anything its so much as me being mad about wasted love and affection as well as my uncanny in ability to let muhfucks go. Its almost like my life was inundated with him or so to speak. Anyways I am going through thie evil ass urge to like do him physical harm just cuz. I kno evil side... right?
I won't though cuz with anything time heals all wounds and such.

Like I truly wish he would just go disappear some where so the fact that I know he is still breathing won't annoy me. Anyways... Now I'm sitting here being evil til Lonzo gets here cuz he and I need to majorly talk. Honestly sometimes I wonder why I didn't just stay with him in the first place. Then all the confliction I'm going through would have never happened. Well thats all for now folks.
Peace!
Evil Ellez

Back from the Chi!

First and foremost niggas ain't shit, but Alonzo is!!! Ha ha No really!
Well as of lately I have been in Chicago straight clowning!!! KNOW THAT!!!
Lmao!
I truly have been enjoying my whole little vacation, until I came home. I mean its sad I feel the way I do towards this person, but I do. Honestly I feel a bit played but I will get over it. Just know that you got me this time Rick a lesson learned!
Anywho... back to Lonzo! Nite!

Sleepy

So I'm blogging drunken with sleep, but other wise almost content.
i say almost because I had to go through hell and back to get my own damn ipod back only to end up being cussed out for wanting my own shyt! (People these days are a trip!)
Then I gets my baby purp (ipod) back only for my damn phone to just up and stop working ... Dude wtf!
Overall today was a good day give or take a few lil mishaps.
Still on the count down till I go to Chi- Town !

Anywho off to sleep before I head off to this job thingy!
Laterz!

Ellez

Im leaving on the mid morn train to Chi town!!!

YAY!!!!
Its official I'm going to Chicago next weekend!!!!

I am so excited...Like beyond excited!
Okay nuff said. I'll holla!

Peanut Butter Cookies and Chicago Style pizza

Well I'm on a break from being Betty Crocker...Literally!
Now I'm just up trying to pull together my trip to Chicago, hoping all that is needed is going to be done with no hassle. As well as getting ready for school Aug 24 is soon approaching ya know?
There hasn't been much on my minde except for the trip and taking some time to have a me day...or weekend. This should be mad fun ya know!
Well my chocolate peanut butter brownies are done and hopefully I get my vaca wish!

~*~Ellez~*~

Soooo I hate/love Detroit and the people in it...

As Im sitting here jamming to Sade... I realize that I had a set of goals around this time, that I truly wanted to accomplish. Sadly most of them were never accomplished at all.

Well here is the list yet again with some revisions...

1. Go to school for a semester or two, so I can transfer to a school out of state.
2. Get a job doing something i want to do.
3.Focus more on the important and stop getting distracted.
4. Succeed at all that I do.

Hopefully, I can stick with the plan.!

Disappearing acts

I'm so ready to leave this here place I'm in.
I feel like this life I'm living is not where I want to be.
I truly don't see myself where I am right now.
Often times I wish I could just do a disappearing act and somehow be gone.

untitled

Tears cloud my judgment as well as my eyes ...
My feet can't run fast enough to get me out of the nightmare of lies.
My dreams are suffocated by this so called love.
Life is becoming a cocktail of volatile drugs.
No rest for the weary I always hear, but never has anyone ever asked why the ones were weary...

one of my fave poems I wrote...

I saved you from yourself and you never even thanked me.
Its ok cuz you never even knew you were in danger.
I loved you from a distance and watched you grow, making my self the faceless hero.
I was there for you at your best and worst moments lurking in the expected breaths you took for granted.
I have waited my whole life for you to embrace me and you never did.
I was the driving force that helped you get through college.
I was the poise that landed you the job you dreamed.
Yet still I remained nameless.
I was the man you let go, the child you aborted, and the angel that held your hand when you made the careless decisions.
I was the warning you got when you saw the one you loved in the casket.
So when will you acknowledge me?
What will it take for you to put a face to me?
Do i have to take the things you hold dear?
Yes!
This faceless hero has made a name for him self all thru your life, but now you will know me as...
Death,
Life,
Time,
and Love....

the faceless hero.

Random poem

Tru words spoken by a woman that is more of a dream caster than a poet...


You ignite memories into the eternal fire of good feelings.
Your energy brings forth royalty only gods posses.
I, truly a mere mortal, am blessed to have ever known you...
In past life times we played along riverbeds of diamonds and golden sand, a time where love was true and honest; only bestowed on the wealthy at heart.
We somehow traveled time within every breath close to ones ear.
Like magic, a simple whisper sends chills thru my spine that rival the ice age.
You my man are the melody Coltrane got high to try to achieve…
The reason why Darius made a blues for Nina u are...
Love at its finest, purest, greatest; you are the original black man built souly from my dreams.

Lady Elle

Short and sweet

Here is a few songs that are the definition of me...

Clever by Erykah Badu ( but its not sung by her in the vid)
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There goes my heart by Mariah Carey
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Be me by Ms Leah
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Just one of them days by Monica
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Starting all over by Jeremih
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Well thats all Enjoy!
Hope it let you a lil more into my world.

SoUl RaE