My chocolate redemption

I know that lately my blogs have been centered around my feelings for one in my past as well as the b.s. The past loves bring. Well rest easy cuz this is not one of those blogs.

So here's the lowdown... I'm on my to bed one of these recent nights and my phone dings to the sound of a facebook notification so I pick it up to see its a random friend request and those are the ones I get up for! Lol! Simply because if I don't know u I wanna know why u requesting me. Anywho so I get up and see wat the person is about only to see some wanna be looking ass nigga. (I found out later how wrong I was.) Somehow we end up talking and then we move up to texts then he calls me like "I'm bored driving around the city" and I say " Hell come take me to coney" on some joking fat gurl type shyt. Next thing I know he texts me like slide me the addy and I will. Now me being the suspicious person I am is like should I take a chance.

Well yea I took it and boy was I pleasantly surprised. Anywho he pulls up in his jeep and I look in the car to be sure aint no creepy shyt then I look up to this gorgeous chocolate fine face lawd I felt like I found the one. Now don't think I came up with this off looks. No this comes from the fact that he and I had about an hour long convo before we even made it to the phones so I asked all types of shyt.

So we're in the car chilling and talking about everything under the sun till the sun comes up. I never thought in my recent situations that I would come across a cool ass dude like him. Its so crazy cuz we have been on this cake type shyt for the past few days now and he makes me feel that happy love feeling I first felt when I first fell in love with a dude. Now don't get to thinking I'm in love with him cuz in no way am I saying that... He just gives me good feelings.
Its just so crazy that I let go of so much recently and he brings back so much of the good things I missed. Not to mention when he kissed me I felt the stars align with our signs and bring us to a level of new consciousness. Man I know this post may be jumpy but its so much to tell that it be's like that. Lol! Anyways as of right now he is my chocolate redemption and I love it.

~Rae~
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The questions

What do you do when you want some one...

How bout the main problem is u had them and took them for granted? Hell Erykah Badu made a song about this feeling *I want you* Hell the whole the time I was at the gym he was consuming my thoughts no matter what I did! It was sooo damn motivating but saddening. Simply cuz I could reach my goal in todays work out but I couldn't reach him. Part of me feels like the fact he hasn't spoken to me is a clear indication that he will totally forget me to keep her. Damn am I wrong for wanting him to do anything but that?

I want either to gain him and his heart back, or for this feeling to go away. All I can do is take this one day at a time. Oddly everyday is a new day of loves turmoil.

What to do?

~Rae~
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

This life of mine!

Hello to all my blog readers! I am currently on the bus coming from the gym. (Yes the gym. That's how stressed I been.) So I joined the YMCA to get fit and take my mind off the fuckery that my family has been putting me through. First off I have been a tad bit down about my love/twin loving another at my own fault. Then my bro goes to jail and muhfuckas in my family come to me like I'm a fucking cash cow!

Yes really yall! First my bros wife comes to me asking for damn near 700 then as I'm running my blues away on the treadmill my brother calls asking for 1000 some damn dollars. It caught me so damn off guard I damn near fell off the thing. Like to make matters worse he goes" yea can u go to the bank right now and take it out to give to me." What bitch is you serious!?!?! So I tell him politely I don't have it and hang up with an even bigger attitude. What the fuck makes these muhfuckas thing I got damn money like that! Shyt I don't even have fucking car of my own so how can I possibly give u money for one. Man I'm almost home I'll hit yall later.

Rae
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The State of the Mind Address

I know there is nothing better than realizing that you can do nothing but be yourself.
No!
I am no glamour diva, no trapstar queen, nor am I the woman who needs to have & rule everything.
I am beauty in my best beholding, love in the beginning stages, and a person that can make mistakes admit them and go on.
I am one that has learned that apologies need not be wasted on the ones you feel hold, no shame cuz there is always 2 wrongs in the life and game...


To those you cherish follow your heart...
Not your friends and family's feelings cuz they simply don't feel for you.
Love cuz you wanna love and how you wanna love them cuz when they're gone there is no one to ease the pain you have of of a true love lost... friends and lovers alike.
Look back at the past and see your mistakes and learn from them cuz doing it again is emotional suicide...

I wish I had paid this advice attention before I lost sooo many that I love to another persons opinion. Thank God they still love me and accept me flaws and all, they are with me through this growing process and not out to get anything more than a better lover, friend, and family member. To those I let go of or let go of me... Maybe the love will come around but right now only a fool would let it manifest into what it once was.

~Rae~

Now and 4ever...Past and 4gotten

So I'm eating my huge ass humble pie...
I am left to face the fact that I am no longer Now and 4Ever...
Man when life randomly hits you with that WHAM!
It hits hard.

Nonetheless... Yes I read yo shyt its on repeat like a damn playlist.

Signing off
~ Past and 4gotten~

Love the afterthought

Love is more than just an emotion, its a way of life.
Lately I feel like I just haven't been living.
There are so many emotions that are swimming and floating through my my mind; leading a train wreck to my heart.
I hate that I am stuck in this tango of love and I'm not the lead.
The countless nights of tears after a day of pretending all is well, is beyond draining.
It has taken a complete toll on me that I can't even expect one to try to go through.
My world seems off kilter as though I am missing a major part of me.
Not to mention there are so many issues as of my past that I haven't dealt with that are making this world of mine spin backwards.
So hopefully soon I can find an outlet or a soulution to this Love Jones get back to my warm and cozy nights of sleep and the distant memory of fistfuls of tears...


~Rae~


*A lil reminder of a happy memory in LOVE...*

YouTube!!!

Hey yall!!!
I figured since I spend countless with my Mac baby ~Macbook~...
Why not put it 100% to use?
I have now started to step not just my blog game up, but my Youtube game up!
You can get more of my madness at my Youtube channel!

www.youtube.com/haratchi

I know its not much but its one more way for ya'll out there to interact with me.
So drop by tell me things, teach me thing and you might just learn somethings...Lol!

Peace!

~ELLEZ~

Sista Soul let go of baggage...

Yay, ME!
I let go of my baggage!
So me and Alonzo officially broke it off and I am actually feeling really free my energy is just at an all time high. As well as I figured out how to use iMovie so look out for those hot you tube posts. Well thats all for now cuz I'm off to pamper myself and prepare for this weekend full of stress.

Much Love,
Soul Amazing Rae!

Good morning, Bullshit!

Sooo...
I'm up all because moms is calling and texting about an ex...
The current soon to be ex is laying next to me... ( *elapse 5 min* Ok now he is gone...)
Forgive me for being an honest person or at least trying... but the ex and I had a convo that was basically stating I missed him. Hell if you don't wanna know don't ask, but I told him that it wasn't like i wanted anything from him but friendship. Frankly that's all I really wanted to begin with but my mind just floated on away the last time. Nonetheless I never finish telling him where the reason behind it all cam from simple because I got sleepy and went to sleep. Fast forward to now I wake up to a barrage of yahoo IM's from the ex and his current. Shes pissed and he doesn't even know shes talking to me. I feel real set up right now on top of the fact the soon to be Ex is mad and I don't even know whats going on.
Any who my morning is not going how I planned but I am happy I got my bed back...
I will touch back when I have all the details and I'm not half sleep and half mad....

~Ellez~

So this one is going to be short and sweet.

It boggles my brain how things in my family go from sugar to shit that fast.

As well as how I can possibly go from 0 to 3 children in less than a month.

Why so serious? The joker and I have too much in common.

I swear the doctors from when I was younger were right!
I'm... Bipolar!!!
Like really!??!?!
Yesterday I felt like shyt the whole day for no damn reason. Just all types of mad and ready to sabotage a nigga's new found life, just cuz I could. Then I got like dangerously mad over something I typically don't even get mad about. I cussed out like three dudes that maybe didn't deserve being cussed out, then again maybe they will think twice before asking about sex, money, or baked goods...Lmao!

Honestly I don't know what the deal is like one day I feel my world is out of control, then the next day I'm on top of it. It kinda scares me, but not as much as being in a hospital again or being on meds. You know whats funny though? So many people feel some kinda way about people with emotion disorders or depression issues, but if they knew how many people actually suffered from it they would think twice about calling some one out on their craziness. Now don't get me wrong its not an excuse for people to go out and just be a total danger, but it does offer some sort of insight on why you may see someone close to you going through the changes they are going through.

Depression and emotional disorders are, in my opinion, are worse than cancer or A.I.D.S. Now hear me out before folks go on a rant. I say this because with ailments like that it affects you physically and at times mentally, but you can over come it especially if you are mentally sound and have support. As well as many times it can be cured or well under control and you live a normal life. With depression and emotional disorders you entire life evolves around it, you have to wonder everyday, if your on meds, will you have wacky side effects and how will you feel. If your not on meds you have to wonder, hope, and pray that nothing pops up in your world to trigger you to snap. It also puts a major damper on relationships because people aren't always understanding of the fact that you may not have control of certain things going on with you. Also it makes everyday things just a lil harder cuz your mind is what controls everything in your body so if you mind is having technical difficulties so the hell is the rest of you... So keep that in mind for the next time you see a random person going through it or one of those damned medicine commercials.

As Always its been real and I am now off to bed.

Thee PsYcHo Rae

^^^^
*Not really psycho, but some one dear to me gave me the nickname and it stuck...Lol!*

better?

Today is brighter than the last few... So time for a song!
Lol!
Enjoy!

Fuck my life...

ARGHHHH!!!

Fuck my life!
I want the simple life back!

So after all of the betterment I'm trying to do in my world, I'm still getting all types of pain. I guess in the famous words of my besti, Yanni, "Karma is a bitch and she will fuck you so good, then wait a few weeks and find out you got herpes..." So basically thats my life minus the herpes. I mean I understand you get what you put out, but right now I can't take it. Like on the inside people don't know how close I really am to that edge... I want so badly for my life to fall back in place like I though it was not to far back, but hell we all cant have what we want.

I want for my so called boyfriend and I to not keep going back and forth. At this point he and I are a dangerous love affair. It seems carelessness fuckin' rules the whole thing between us; I hate it more than anything else. I'm tired of us arguing and then making up only to find out another chick he is cheating on me with is some how stalking my life cuz she feels like I'm stepping on her territory when its really the other way around. As well as I'm tired of it being so common that part of me doesn't even care cuz my feelings are just getting tired of this cat and mouse game.

Honestly I need to let this go cuz its just all bad, but the false sense of security is better than being knowing you have no security at all.I really hate admitting my flaws but I'm learning to do this more and more everyday. I'm mean on the outside all seems well so I plan to keep it that way till I can find out whats going on with me on the inside. Lawd knows I can't take this cold empty feeling that I am not actually living my life... I'm just a stand in till the real me comes back.


Anywho on a lighter note. I talked to a dearly painful part of my past( No dis), and I only felt it right to truly aim on a friendship cuz he was a good friend point blank and period. Nonetheless I don't want anything more than that simply because my life is just not on that path. Plus its good to see everybody getting the better side of life and I honestly hope it lasts as long as the world turns and the sunshine's. So hopefully tomorrow comes a bit faster so I can do some major retail therapy and cop these Dunks I been eying and the lovely 10 Deep jacket I want, cuz hell the kid may be going through it, but Imma go through it flyy as fuck. Plus it pays to know people in the fashion/skater/urban soul scene...Lmao!

Well thats all for now folks...I'm out!
Ellz tha pSyChO <<<>

So were all mixed...

Ok so here is a random question.
I hope I get answers...

Why is it a big deal if Mrs. Michelle Obama has a few white ancestors?

I mean really how many people of color don't. I can look so close as my grandfather and cousins to see the white side of me.

Is that a big deal?

No!

So why is there so much hooplah about black folks having a mixed genealogy? I mean, hell, shyt happens. Some of us maybe were violated as slaves and some of us had a love affair with the lighter side of life either way it goes.

This is America the land of the free and free to hide.

So why are we acting like every time something from the past past comes back it unbelievable? Trust me honey it's not.

Random quotes that I made... Thanks to facebook.

Here are a few quotes that really show what I'm thinking at times:

In Rae's Mind...

"is there is no greater love than the love God gave you to have for self..."

"is letting everyone know that you can't put a price on a person and don't let new age laws make us new age slaves..."

"is saying yet again the company we keep and the secrets we can't hide can surely lead to a final demise... Maybe this here has expired?"

"is feeling melodic notes grace across her thighs making amazing music that only his ears can hear. The air tastes of love only time has experienced..."


"wants to feel that giddy feeling of love... If only for one small portion of my life."

"jammin' to John Mayer...Like why does his voice remind me of fresh lemonade and country summer love..."

"is I thought i told that i wont stop...Hah...HAH!!! Yes and sadly even friends throw salt on ya game but its cool cuz in life you need a lil seasoning."

"is play wit an octopus clitoris in bikini bottom so sponge on that, Bob!!!!"
(LMAO!)

"I lay my heart down to love, but it weathered storms of sorrow before love could save it...."

"is nowhere to be found... Looking at life for what it really is. And I can no longer pretend or suppress these feelings so I am being honest with everyone."

"is contemplating a change to maintain sanity and break the binds of gravity. Looking proudly to the heavens and screaming my last prayers to the Gods that so graciously allow me my next breath. The breath that allows death to cower asunder a rock hoping..."

"has closed a chapter in her life... Am i happy about it? No, but i damn sure ain't sad. Love is simply not how it used to be."

"is like I see when the tables turn and the spotlight isn't on you its cool... Well I no longer will be part of this Minstrel Show... Simply cuz I never was good at being a tap dancing, painted face, shucking and jiving ass nigga"

"is knowing today is the day... Tears flowed like sorrow filled rivers, making everything a lil greener the next day..."

"is watching Mo' Better Blues wishing she had a lil mo better love experiences..."

"is like I'm gay!!!...No, Bitch you gay!!! Oh yea and I fucked ya man, too...So how gay is that! Lmao!!"

"is If everbody fuckin dimes, then who got all these ugly bitches pregnant?"

Well thats all for now cuz I was bored, but now I'm sleepy...
So Goodnight!
Rae

Making it work: Love in the club.

When it's late... I'm usually thinking.
Well today is different...
I went to see the significant other and we are back to this love experience.
For now.
So as I'm chilling with his Fam and such his child's mother is there and honestly she was not what I expected but none the less I am beating her all around. Lol!
Then some gurl that he can't put a direct definition to, walks in the door to trys to "piss" on her "territory" by stating who she was and trying to flirt with him in front of me, as if that is going to make me lose my cool.
Ha! Not!
So I'm sitting there planning on what the rest of my night will play out as, not paying her ass attention. Little does she know that I can take him or leave him, and he will still want me.

Anywhoo... So I end up at the club jamming and such.
Lol @ the foolery that goes on in the club. Nonetheless it was fun!
~Forgive the impropers... Im kindaout of it and tired~
So the end for now.


~Sleepy Ellez~

Testing

I wonder if this works?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Back down memory lane...ohh and what a memory.

Wassup yall out there in blog land?!?!?!
So yesterday I didn't have much to say...
Hmm...
Chile....
I got plenty to say today!

So I just get off the phone with a friend of mine from high school, right? Man we were talking and chopping it up like we were back to being the way were were in high school except this time I had questions and he had answers...Lmao!
Mind you he randomly called me at 3 something in the A.M. Hell I don't mind cuz most times I'm up anyways.
Umph!
But today I was not expecting this call.
Thank God he doesn't read my blog cuz he would get a whole new view of me and my mind.
Anywho... Back to the point!
He and I were talking, and it was soooo good to be talking to someone that knew me before all the baggage was added. Hell, the fact he liked me at a time when I didn't even like myself made me feel even damn better.

Even still a few things popped in my head like:

Does he know how damned gorgeous he is?
(Maybe not?)

I wonder what that *Ahem* be like...
(Ooooo tall chocolate body of a God having ass man with the East Coast accent...MMMMmmm... Stop!!!)

How is he still so humble despite all the thing about him that would make him sooo conceited?
( The thing that makes him even greater cuz even with out the looks he is too damn cool...Lol!)

Lastly... Why is it to this day he will always be one of the coolest and truest friends I have ever had even though we don't hang tough nor live anywhere near each other?
(Because he just reminds me of the better and happier side of life...)

Beside all that, man, just everything about my world seemed to suck today until a call from a good ole' friend. Its amazing what friends can do!



Thanks Rob!

Sickness and poetry

Hello all you blog readers in Blogland!
I truly have no biz being up, but this here cold is kicking my ass!!!
I wish I had a million things to blog about, but I don't. Simply because not to much has happened just school, sleep, drinking, and blowing a few trees every now and again.
Nuthing major, right?
My point exactly.
Lol!
Well Imma finish this later cuz I think I'm bout to get some midnight pussy talk...
Lmao!
HAAA!

p.s. No B.F. Free at last... free at last!!