At your best and worst u are love

Well lemme say this year has been one hell of a year! Sadly today of all days was the day I broke down. So I was watching a show I usually stay away from, Intervention. It made me face a painful truth. That so many people die from their addictions and it always hurts the family the most. I dunno about my brother and sister but I am truly still fucked up about my fathers death. I never thought I would be so hurt, but I am still. I wish it was he that was seeking the intervention and making it. Not me sitting here putting on the poker face as if all is well. Man there was so much I needed to know from him!

Then to top it of yesterday was the day my Grandmother died. Now most people are like wow that's Grandma but me... No that was my best friend and worst enemy. She is the main reason I am as great and as fucked up as I am. It hurts to recall such good memories and have to acknowledge the bad ones as well. I am just feeling the pain right now cuz she and I were on bad terms when she died and I truly hate that. I loved her to death but she had so many issues to deal with that we clashed. I miss her soooo much though. If only I could have told her I'm sorry and I love her for one last time....

Hell this is why I hate the holidays they make me face some of the worst shit in life... Well I'm off to bed yet again. No worries I'm still in my state of Divinity just remembering how I got here is just painful sometimes.
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