The ultimate depression

I sit.....
Here.....
wondering why its so hard for me to wake up in the morning.
The thoughts of failure constantly swim in my head...
...along with the fact that if i don't win all i fought for over the years will mean nothing.....
As I lie here.....
Crying....
...Trying to get over the pain others caused me ....
slowly causing the line between normalcy and insanity slip away....
...Into a pool of sex and lies to pacify the heres and nows, the pains of whys and why didn't you love me like a
mother....father...
lover....Shit!!!
Like a person who loves me!!!
...So i continue to lay here hoping to drown in my ocean of tears...
slowly... drifting in to the pain that Amy Winehouse lets ooze out of her voice and into my house only to let me succumb to the darkness my life has grown accustomed to in the past few years.....
I can only wish and dream for a lifesaver in this sorrow of mine only to realize this is reality and no one can save you from yourself and all you know.....
So i continue to lie my self to you and other believe i have my shyt together when all i know is slowly falling apart and has loudly crumbled at my feet...
I will never admit i am in this ultimate depression....cuz almost in definite succession you will see me eating my painful slice of the devils pie.....why!!!!
... Cuz all i know i pain and tears of constant sins displayed and played on my head, heart and womb....slipping me in to the further painful life doom.....Thats is my ultimate depression and my untimely life nearing death of my soul and joy......